


Beautiful Catastrophe

by therustykage



Series: The Psycho and the Assassin [1]
Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: BL2 Universe, Bonding, Canon-Typical Violence, Crack Treated Seriously, Developing Friendships, Fluff and Humor, Friends With Benefits, Hand Jobs, Humour, Lots of Laughs, M/M, Male Zer0, Masturbation, Sexual Content, Sexual Humor, Size Kink, the masks stay on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:48:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25466491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/therustykage/pseuds/therustykage
Summary: While daydreaming about his developing new friendship, Zer0 recalls the steamy night he turned Krieg into a puddle of psycho pudding. (Zer0's POV)
Relationships: Krieg & Zer0 (Borderlands), Krieg/Zer0 (Borderlands)
Series: The Psycho and the Assassin [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1844674
Comments: 2
Kudos: 35





	Beautiful Catastrophe

**Author's Note:**

> When I discovered there are so few stories for these two, I felt compelled to give Zer0 and Krieg some sexy fun. It's sad because these two have the potential for some seriously hawt and sweet antics. Writing this was very cathartic! 
> 
> My headcanon for Zer0 is male who totally reminds me of Snake Eyes from G.I Joe, so that's how I envision him. And Krieg is a big marshmallow... I want to make him breakfast! :3
> 
> I admit, I also have a soft spot for Krieg and Maya so I haven't ignored that, because it's damn sweet! I truly hope that BL creators fix the wrongs done in BL3 (Ya know what I'm talking about T_T) and Krieg claims more of his sanity plus gets his girl in the end! However, these drabbles are a crack idea that Zer0 and Krieg were once friends with benefits during their BL2 days.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the silly humour. I hope I did these characters some justice. And for those that play as Zer0, I hope you enjoy his "He-He"s lols!

**xx**

Nothing excited Zer0 more than near-miss bullets zipping past his head or the squelch of his sword as he yanked it out of some marauder's chest cavity. Blood spattered, bandits and varkids screamed, alien bones crunched, several things and persons were set on fire, and in the end, his team, a group of people he considered worthy comrades… all came out of it alive.

What started as precarious beginnings on the icy Southern Shelf, all of them hanging onto a stitch of life, was looking up. They still had a ways to go before defeating Handsome Jack, but the weeks they spent together now, formed ever-lasting friendships forging them into a gang of vault hunters _no_ _one_ wanted to mess with.

Indeed, it was a good day to be alive in the chaotic world of Pandora.

However, if Zer0 had it his way, the ultimate end to this splendid day of mayhem and murder would see him tossed to the sheets and fucked within an inch of his life. A most fitting ending, he mused. A notion comparable to the same glorious rush felt when he snipes a bullet into some bandit's skull from over two-thousand yards away.

 _Boom, biatch!_ The scourge was gone before they even knew what hit them.

It was oh-so-satisfying.

Zer0 huffed with amusement against the glassy shell of his blacked-out faceplate riddled with minor scrapes and scratches, so dangerously crossing into perversions and he was not even back in the town of Sanctuary yet. For when he got there, a hot shower was calling his name as soon as they concluded the debriefing of today's mission with Roland and Lilith. After that, it was off to hunt down his new fuck-buddy and see what sort of trouble they might get themselves into this evening.

A full-fledged grin spread across Zer0's face unbeknownst to anyone. Oh yeah, he was a fortunate guy. They had a _perfect_ arrangement. No strings attached… just a couple of dudes helping each other out.

 _Pft!_ Did he really just use the term _'fuck buddy'_ – _'dudes'_?

For a moment, Zer0 thought it seemed so inelegant, but on the other hand… _screw!_ that noise. Yeah, screw it. They were just having fun and sometimes this new friendship kindled a peculiar kind of challenge in him that went beyond baser things. Whatever it was, it still had him here daydreaming and feeling horny enough to hammer a steam pump in Three Horns Valley with his dick, and _that…_ was supremely badass.

The rarest of loot could not hold a flame to this diamond find. Besides, elegance can exist between the writhing bodies of two people bringing each other to a mind-blowing, world-colliding, toe-curling climax.

It was a beautiful thing.

The bonus: it was a reliable cure for boredom, which they both despised with a passion. The plain truth of it was Pandora could get kinda lonely sometimes. It was nice to find comfort in other beings.

So, yeah, he was fortunate to get close to someone that just happened to come with perks, someone that accepted him for who he was. Because not many knew much about Zer0, his past, what he even looks like or what makes him tick; aside from his fervour for being a damn good vault hunter and loyal teammate.

One of the few able to defeat the villainous Handsome Jack, or, so he heard people say.

Only some auspicious enough will ever get a glimpse of what lays beneath the black and grey ninja'esque suit made up of plated armour and leather, that he wears to retain anonymity and perform his special skills. Speaking of which, he was thinking it might be fun to take the helmet off this evening. They have had several encounters and he never removed the headgear or much of his clothes, not even once. _Yeah._ It might be nice to put his mouth to work on something other than shooting haiku from his ass.

And maybe… just maybe… he could be the one to break the ice and in return get a peek underneath his companion's leathery mask – an irony not lost on Zer0. It was a tit for tat situation if he wanted something he would have to give a little back in return.

The assassin unsuccessfully tried to stifle a simmer of laughter while conjuring up a mental haiku.

_Cheeky stuff, Zer0. / What the hell is wrong with you? / Cool your goddamn jets._

Once more, he shook with mirth. Lame poem. The snorting noise he made sounded like a robot having a sneezing fit or a seizure caused by the echoing inside his helmet.

Shit. All this sexy mind wandering made it difficult for Zer0 not to squirm in his seat. Perhaps, it was not wise to entertain such lewd thoughts while hobbling along in the back of a Technical, procured by everyone's favorite little man Salvador at the nearest Catch-A-Ride in The Highlands. It bounced them around wildly as they drove over serene rock-strewn riverbeds that jut through the roadways over the rolling green hills and cliffs.

And the gunzerker was driving, which was kind of madness in itself.

They were on their way to the travel station in Overlook to catch a teleport to Sanctuary, where the Crimson Raiders Headquarters now floated in the bluest sky like a long lost world.

Indeed, it was stupid, being caught up in fantasy while technically still on the job, because he now had a _stiff_ problem and had to place a pair of folded hands in his lap like an obedient child, which he was anything but.

 _Calm breaths._ _Count down to zero. Skillful shots. All hitting their target… Nine. Eight. Seven. Six…_

Yaas! It was working.

While he mentally regained control of his errant body, he was thankful to have the advantage of seeing his teammate's faces but not the other way around. Otherwise, he would be a dead giveaway right now. They would tease him relentlessly – the fun-loving bunch.

These teammates, trusting comrades, were a special breed that only a fellow vault hunter like himself could appreciate.

Translation: they were all batshit crazy.

Zer0 surveyed the group.

Maya sat on his left; Axton and Krieg across from him in the back of the pick-up. Salvador was driving the bulky metal-grey vehicle with his ass crooked in the seat, his little leg stretched as far as it could go so his foot reached the pedals; muttering to himself wildly about whatever goes through the gunzerker's head. Gaige, the small plucky female with the cool robotic arm and bright red hair was caressing the turret's trigger from the gunner's seat, eagerly waiting for some rabid stalker or an aggressive thresher to dare cross her path.

When no one was looking Zer0 discreetly adjusted the crotch of his pants swiftly. Unspeakable discomfort, that he shall not name, was driving him nuts. If he miscalculated his move, which he does not often do, and someone caught him in the act, well… it would appear as if he was simply adjusting a pair of hostile undergarments. No biggie.

After all, he wasn't the master of deception for nothing.

Before he could stop himself, a bold red **:)** flashed in front of his helmet. _Phew!_ No one had noticed his unflattering but much-required alteration. It was difficult to contain such relief when blood began to flow properly again and he was back in a superior mood.

Yet, his celebration was futile.

Maya was staring at him with an arched manicured brow on her pretty face; her blue-painted lips pursed together matched her soft blue hair and the pearlescent blue tribal-like tattoos that all sirens seem to possess on their arms and legs.

"Okay, buddy, that's it. First, I know I overheard a sneaky laugh you thought you hid – leaving me to wonder if we were going to have to resuscitate you by the sounds of it. Now, you have that smiley plastered all over your… err, face? What joy can you _possibly_ garner from us being crammed into the back of this metal can with Salvador at the wheel? Huh?"

Yup. It was tricky to hide things from vault hunters, but at least she was talking about his digital display emoticon and not the adjustment of his junk.

Feeling mischievous, Zer0 faced Maya and flashed her a **:P** instead.

She smirked at him and laughed softly. "Well, I'm glad _someone's_ in a good mood today. You find a special toy without telling the rest of us or something?"

"No, I did not find / a legendary weapon. / I'm just lost in thought." Zer0 claimed in his deep, composed voice.

Maya and Axton chuffed with amusement and Krieg guffawed. And, for whatever reason, Salvador burst out with mad laughter that appeared to have godly timing but had nothing to do with them as the tires of the truck promptly crunched over something… organic.

Instinctively, everyone ducked – yellowish alien fluids splashed onto the windshield and sprayed over the tops of their heads. Behind them, on the road, the remains of a smooshed stalker intimately became one with the pavement, guts, and exoskeleton everywhere.

"HAHAHAHA! _Score!_ " shouted Salvador, not paying them or their conversation any mind at all.

"Nice one berserker man!" Gaige cheered. "Let's squish another one! But let me get a shot into em' first."

"Ooo- _kay_ ," was Salvador's singsong reply.

The siren sighed. Now with Salvador and Gaige sidetracked, it would take a bit longer to reach their destination.

"So, then," Axton ventured unable to put down the opening Maya had created for him because a lost opportunity for juicy banter was a sad thing to waste. "My guess is that Zer0 was thinking about yours truly. I know. I know. It's difficult to read you," he told the assassin, "but something tells me you dig the guys, too. Don't hide your feelings from me, bro."

Zer0 stared in the direction of the ex-Dahl soldier who always looked dapper in his army fatigues, multiple armaments strapped to his legs and waist with his sandy brown hair kept in a nice fade cut with longer spiky strands on top. The assassin said nothing but knew his silence did the job for him, creating palpable tension.

Axton began to scratch his head uncomfortably.

"He-he," Zer0 twittered.

"Oh, please, Axton. You are so full of shit," Maya claimed with an incredulous snort as the truck turned sharply and sped by a pair of Dr. Zed's vending machines.

They all gasped and held on tight for a harried moment until the vehicle straightened out.

Maya was not finished with the commando. "Why do you have to make this about you, Ax? Zer0 can do whatever he wants. It doesn't mean _you're_ the one on the menu."

Gaige giggled at the siren's words. "That's a burn, baby. Nice one, Maya!"

The soldier shrunk in his seat with a faux expression equal to receiving a punch to the gut.

"Wow, thanks, Maya. Did you ever think that maybe I'm just a teensy bit curious? You're killing my mojo here." Seemingly full of mischievous beans, Axton turned his head to study the mystifying assassin for a moment. "Damn, Zer0, what kind of milk did your mother give you, huh? I mean you're kind of scrawnier than the ones I usually go for, and much taller than the rest of us – well, except for Krieg – he's like an inch or so under you. Man, I'd give up all my Eridium just to find out, _ya know…_ "

The rogue soldier did not elaborate but he was holding his hands apart as if he was suggestively measuring something.

Gaige had spun around in the gunner's chair just in time to see Axton's gesture and blasted, "Eww! Get your head out of the gutter!"

Sometimes Axton had no shame, but sometimes Zer0 didn't either.

His comeback was just as cheeky. "For the last time, Ax, / you lack the Eridium / funds to foot that bill."

"HA! That's fucking funny, _amigo!"_ It seems Salvador overheard this time. "What if we pool our Eridium together, then how about it?"

"Ugh!" Maya was visibly cringing now. "What's with guys obsessing about dimensions? I don't frickin' get it. Just stop."

"I dunno." Axton shrugged completely unfazed. "It's what we do."

The assassin gave his head a subtle shake.

Surprisingly, up until now, the only one of them that remained silent was Krieg – the vocally loudest of the group and he did not fail them.

"Hrmph-hahahAHAHAHA!!" the psycho's bellowing laughter came from deep inside his massive chest and out of him like an eruption. However, much to everyone's surprise, it stopped about as fast as it started and he growled, "Some meat puppies need to SHAD UP!"

Zer0 swung his helmet in Krieg's direction.

By now, they were all familiar with the enormous six-foot-plus, muscle-bound psycho and his roaring outbursts. Most of which made no sense unless one gave his word puzzlers great thought. Sometimes they even sounded like insane bits of poetry, which intrigued Zer0 the most.

It would seem that the shirtless psycho was a misunderstood vault hunter before Hyperion got their hands on him and almost certainly exposed him to some experimentation, maybe with some super-soldier sort of ambition – that backfired. At least, that is the best conclusion they all had so far based on his wanted poster. Plus, you can bet everyone in Sanctuary had a theory when the psycho wandering their streets became a familiar sight to them. But, they quickly learned that he was harmless towards innocents and that Krieg seemed to enjoy being around people who accepted him.

Ate it up like a gun enthusiast at a Tediore convention.

Of course, that was not always the case. Problem was Krieg seems to have a lucid brain in there somewhere, one that can comprehend complex mission orders, go out, and complete said orders flawlessly, all by himself. Unfortunately, for him, he does not have a lucid tongue, so some of the crazy things he said had people scrambling in the opposite direction no matter how harmless he seemed.

At times, some phrases made Zer0 laugh, surely some of them were just nonsense, but other times he sensed a great sadness within the mutated human. People could be so ignorant and mean a lot of the time, and that is where part of the challenge came in.

Zer0 had a strong desire to help Krieg regain some stature, confidence even. By the end of this struggle, he hoped people would be looking up to Krieg instead of down on him.

Even though Krieg wore the typical orange and white mask of common Pandoran psychos, dark leather straps keeping the mask in place around his hairless head, his booming voice came through loud and clear.

His left eye treated them all to that cool deadeye stare, which was fairly standard most of the time, so no one was concerned about that. Maybe it just seemed more menacing considering the right eyehole of his mask was patched over and they could not see the rest of his face.

"Aww, it looks like Krieg's sticking up for you, Zer0." Maya was the first to respond.

She understood the tame psycho had a special way with words since the first day she met him when Krieg saved her life from tunnel rats when she was too busy trying to shoot him at the train station. The siren was the one that ultimately brought him into the fold like she had found a lost dog on the side of the road.

"Ya know, I think he likes you," she added thoughtfully. "Be good to him. He needs more friends."

This coming from the woman that Krieg has a boyish crush on. Talk about being put on the spot; Zer0 was blushing furiously all of the sudden.

"Of course..." The assassin gave a short reply, keeping it cool.

He saw the way Krieg stares at Maya, but she did not seem interested in being romantically involved with the psycho, seeing as she has some life distractions to deal with. He wasn't sure what to make of that. Zer0 had no problem with it and it did not make him jealous.

All is fair in love and war.

Zer0 and Krieg shared a different kind of friendship and a mutual understanding. Their alliance sparked wildly the day Krieg wandered by his table, where Zer0 sat cleaning the parts of a disassembled sniper rifle minding his own business. The psycho stopped dead in his tracks and looked down at the various gun parts with a thoughtful tilt of his head. Then, all of the sudden, he methodically began picking up the pieces and slapping them together, reassembling the gun in less than ten seconds as if he were part of some Rifle Assembly Team for the Pandora Olympics or something!

It blew Zer0's mind.

The man just put his favourite Vladof rifle together as if he had known her all his life! Stuff like that takes great skill. Zer0 knew this. So, when he asked him where he learned how to do that Krieg blared, _'Murder time pre-school!'_ followed by some sinister laughter.

Zer0 knew then, that there was a lot more to this Krieg character than he had initially given credit.

It begged him to question: had they met somewhere before? Maybe someplace long before Hyperion messed with Krieg's mind and body. Zer0 had to wonder what kind of man he was before all of that. Did he have a family or a lover once? Perhaps he had been a hired gun like himself because that man _knew_ his way around a sniper rifle.

After that stint, they became fast friends, which shortly after transformed into friends with benefits. Turns out, they both needed a little extra something in the pleasure department.

"Puppies…?" Axton wondered aloud, confused. "I don't get it."

"You wouldn't," the siren drawled.

" _You're_ the meat puppy, Axton – you, too, Salvador!" The pig-tailed mecromancer chastised them with evil delight, getting off on using Krieg's colourful phrases on them herself. "And you guys seriously deserved that after being so frickin' gross! Stop making the Meat Man angry."

"Isn't he always angry…?" Axton muttered.

"Am not!" Krieg mewled.

Salvador merely laughed finding the entire thing hilarious. "I love you guys! HAHA!"

Zer0 tuned everyone out as he recalled the first time he intimately did stuff with Krieg, which was not something he planned on doing at the beginning. It just sort of… _happened_.

They camped out in The Dust one evening while taking care of some private missions guaranteed to bring in the big bucks. Zer0 still remembers that night like it was yesterday…

_…the hot hazy sun began to sink below the sloping sandy horizon and surrounding rocky cliffsides that made travelling through The Dust region a nightmare. With the sun gone, a welcoming cooler air followed and I'm sure everyone felt the same relief I did. Part of me wanted to unzip the top half of my suit right then and there… and allow the breezy air to dry the perspiration from my body._

_All of us longed for a bath._

_I loved and hated the maddening diversity of this alien planet, but it kept things interesting. I enjoy that more. Dealing with some temperamental conditions was all part of the job and an assassin had to be ready for anything… whining was not part of the deal._

_But we all did it anyway. He-he._

_We found a place to camp for the night to catch our second wind. It was an abandoned shack made of greyish old clapboard… probably used by bandits once or, perhaps they were borrowing someone's home. Oh, well!_

_Either way, it was not an attractive place but it would suffice for one evening since everyone was dog-tired and hungry and a few of us needed to patch up a couple of fresh scrapes and bruises._

_We all dug into some ration packs – I ate my meal outside on the porch alone._

_Later, each of us found a strip of floor to lie on and used our forearm as a pillow, guns by our side, ready for anything anytime._

_Sleeping on the floor sucked._

_I got a few hours rest but I woke up before the alarm I set was supposed to go off, telling me that it was my turn to relieve the night watch outside. I had to take a leak so bad my eyeballs were floating._

_"Zer0, where are you going?" It was Gaige her voice nothing more than a murmur. She looked up at me with sleepy green eyes._

_"It's my turn to be the lookout, remember. Go back to sleep," I whispered._

_The redhead yawned."Oh, right. Stay safe."_

_I chuckled softly at her concern, daring all to come at me while the assassin was on duty. "Don't worry, I will," I told her and left the small building without making a sound._

_As I wandered from the wooden shanty, I could hear the hum of bandits and buzzards in the far distance, driving around in their damn noisy vehicles, hooting and hollering like hooligans._

_It made me wonder if they ever frickin' slept._

_I found a nice spot next to an old shed and took the longest leak in the history of Pandora – I was sure. I sighed with utmost relief and gazed up at the cosmic sky marred by the ever-present space station Helios looming upon us. With a scoff, I lowered my gaze from the H-shaped ship hovering above the cratered moon Elpis and zipped up my fly._

_To my right, a huge wall of dark rock banked the building we holed up in, providing security and a perfect vantage point for keeping watch. That is when my eyes spotted our resident psycho, the current night watch, upon the ridge of that rocky embankment. He was sitting on the edge, heavy booted feet dangling over the side with his left arm propped behind him, the lower half sporting a heavy metal gauntlet covered in thick bolts with a small hose leading to his back. His large muscular form was shadowed in the dim light available but there was no mistake by the gliding movement of his other hand..._

_He was jacking off._

_At first, my feet felt glued to the dirt. Yet, my eyes remained glued to his private merrymaking. Whoa._

_Up to this point, our friendship has grown into something kind of fun, ever since he put my rifle together like a trained soldier hopped up on adrenaline. We hung out a lot, mostly to kill stuff. It never occurred to me to think of him as a sensual being._

_I swallowed the lump I did not realize I had in my throat, finding the entire thing kind of humbling and hot. He was still a man with needs after all. Why shouldn't he get off? Part of me felt some kind of reprieve for the big guy, knowing that his body still worked in that way, and wasn't stolen from him like so many other things._

_Faintly, I could make out the intimate sounds he made, those deep low rumblings, that heavy breathing, open belt buckle jingling rhythmically…_

_It made me so hard._

_When it all sunk in, I knew I wanted a piece of him all to myself._

_Stealth is my art and I used it to get up on the rocky wall next to Krieg before he had a chance to see me coming. I was also ready to activate my decoy just in case he took a swing at me with his buzzaxe for startling him._

_And he was startled all right. The psycho swung his head towards me sharply – instead of his axe – and began to freak out, "NIPPLE SA—"_

_However, he didn't finish his tirade of 'nipple salads' and stopped mid shout when he realized it was just me. I held a finger to the front of my visor to hush him silently. My gaze dropped down to his hand still gripped but unmoving on his exposed cock, which was sadly deflating because… I am a boob that is going to hellish place._

_"I see that you're busy." I mused. "I have a proposition. / Don't be alarmed, Krieg," I recited quietly letting it register in his mind._

_It took a few moments, then…_

_His left eye widened with stark realization – being caught masturbating – he scrambled to cover himself up, adjusting a pair of underwear over his bare self._

_"No…" I whispered and sat down on the smooth rock facing him cross-legged, my knees brushing up against his left thigh. I yanked off my left-handed glove, exposing the first part of my true self to him and reach over, slipping my hand down the front of his already unfastened pants and into his underwear._

_I made my intentions clear._

_His semi-hard flesh was so warm and thick and kinda sticky; I pawed at him until I filled my entire palm with his fat cock._

_A tiny whimper – a pained moan – escaped him. I was not sure if he liked what I just did or felt alarmed by it, but Krieg's massive hand clasped onto my wrist squeezing hard, but he did not yank my hand away._

_"World of piercing and screaming entrails!" he hollered at me. "I'm a monster!"_

_My soul turned sour. Heart heavy._

_"I know. I get it. / People have wronged you, my friend. / I'm not one of them." I sincerely explained to him and smiled when I thought of the next haiku that I truly hoped hit the mark._

_"Your imperfections / are what make you beautiful. / I feel a burning."_

_Krieg had confusion brimming in his sorrowful eye. "CAN YOU HEAR ME!?"_

_I shrugged a little. "All this time we spent… / hanging out, I am starting / to read you better," I answered then encouraged more plainly, "Hush, now. Enjoy what I have to offer no more shouting or you'll wake everyone up."_

_A few beats later, Krieg let loose an evil chortle, which felt full of roguish understanding now._

_I chuckled too because this was totally turning me on. While we should have been keeping watch, we agreed to make out instead. But, as I mentioned to Gaige moments ago, I would love to see some bandits show up and try to break up our dirty fun._

_They would be on the receiving end of two very frustrated vault hunters. Zero chances._

_"Sitting here is awkward." I slipped my hand out from Krieg's pants and stood up, offering my still gloveless hand to him instead._

_He looked up at me and blinked for a moment before taking my hand, which was half the size of his big mitt and sausage fingers. He got to his feet. A small cackle floated around behind his mask and he said in an unexpectedly normal tone, "Three little meat sticks."_

_I scoffed. "You think you are weird? / I only have three fingers / and a thumb. So, what?"_

_"EAT 'EM!"_

_Was he trying to be cute? Was he making fun of me? It was hard to tell, but I quickly understood when he took my left hand into both of his and brought it up to his face to examine with great interest. I let the psycho inspect my hand and each one of my nimble fingers before he slipped one underneath his mask and sucked it into his mouth._

_The warm wet and teeth scraping gently sent a jolt across the length of my dick._

_I gasped softly._

_This seemed to encourage Krieg because the next thing I knew he was devouring all three of my fingers over his spongy warm tongue. I won't lie, it felt really nice, but I wanted him to touch me in more urgent places._

_I slid my fingers from his mouth, much to his grumbling disapproval, and took his hand again urging him to follow me to a spot that gave us more privacy in case any of the other vault hunters woke up or overheard._

_"This stays between us. / I don't like to kiss and tell. / Can you handle that?" Those were my terms. I meant what I said._

_Krieg gave an affirmative, "YES!"_

_After this, we both turned off our ECHO devices. Then set most of our killing equipment on the ground, lest we accidentally blew ourselves up._

_I flashed him a bright red heart **< 3** and placed my damp bare hand on his chest feeling a curious buzz of excitement as I explored his body. Rippling muscles, arms as thick as my two legs pressed together, he felt solid, strong, and incredibly warm. _

_I wanted this even more._

_Once more, my hand ventured below the band of his underwear and tawny-coloured pants held up by the swell of his rear end. I took hold of his firm, blood-filled cock and began to stroke him back to full arousal. I brought my body closer to his, wedging his thigh between my legs to get a better angle, and at first, Krieg just stood there stiff and rigid._

_"If you will let me, / I'll calm your rage and tension… / if you will calm mine."_

_I felt compelled to prove to him that I wanted this and that this was not a pity party. He was my friend and I wanted to make him feel good and hopefully vice-versa._

_His response reciprocated my claim. Krieg stared so hard at me for a moment, I wondered if he could see right through my helmet. Finally, he released a rumbling gust of pent up air from his lungs and relaxed a bit. His left arm embraced me ever so slowly, pulling me closer to him; my cock pressed up against his thigh._

_The friction brought a whimper out of me._

_Then the cutest thing happened amid our provocative pose, he brought his head down closer to mine and nudged my visor with his masked forehead._

_I projected a distorted red **:)** over the ridges of his mask and nudged him back softly with my faceplate, wondering now what it might be like to kiss him for real. I started to pet him harder, his huge cock was a solid meaty rod in my hand now and the fluids that seeped from the spongy top confirmed his desire._

_His pleasure groans played from his throat like an idle chainsaw. Every euphoric sound Krieg produced made my cock throb and twitch. I flexed my hips, dry humping his thigh. I enjoyed the exhilarating exchange we were having very much, turning this imposing killing machine into a puddle of psycho pudding._

_Krieg was nearly crushing me to his chest until the hand resting on my lower back moved down to fill his palm roughly with ass cheek. He squeezed it so hard and now I was the one gasping out sounds mixed with pain and pleasure._

_"Yes..." I kind of like it like that. "Touch me – more," I demanded._

_Krieg lifted his forehead from my helmet; his eye heavy-lidded with arousal, and put an inch or two of space between us. He let go of my rear end and lowered his gaze to my waist, studying the erection evident inside my pants. His hand brazenly palmed over it._

_I don't know why I was surprised at the right amount of pressure he used. I guess I thought he would be more boisterous like his ass grabbing._

_"Just like that," I sighed._

_We stood in this awkward sort of way, groping each other and laughing heatedly like fools, knowing how dumb we looked but didn't care. It amused us when his pants finally fell down and bunched around his knees._

_Krieg's fingers began fumbling around my belt in an attempt to feel skin with skin – oh, and I wanted him to. However, the suit that covers my entire body is more complicated than his strappy half-naked from the waist up ensemble, of which I was oddly jealous of all of the sudden._

_I released him from the lascivious grasp I had on him for a moment._

_"Allow me," I said to him and quickly unbuckled my belt, which dangled open at the front but did not fall off, remaining attached at the sides. It functioned to keep my ammunition pouches secure against my hips and I liked how it streamlined my suit. The suit itself was two pieces, top, and bottom, not including my headgear. I unbuttoned and unzipped the front of my pants, giving Krieg's hand plenty of room for the touchy feelies._

_He wasted no time removing my cock from the tight confines of my undergarments and made a rumbling-purring kind of sound, caressing me with his rough hand. I was so sensitive when he touched me that I shuddered a little and moaned out._

_"Big popsicle!" he clamoured._

_I laughed breathily at his exclamation. "You know what they say / about tall and skinny guys…"_ Zer0, no, don't finish that, I begged myself. _"…a hidden treasure."_

_It was not my proudest moment or haiku, but I just couldn't stop myself. I'm such a tease._

_Krieg made an amused sort of rumble._

_"Do not tell Axton / or Salvador, I enjoy... / messing with them. Cool?" Of all my many mysteries it seemed the one about the size of my dick, fascinated them the most._

_"Meat puppies!"_

_"Exactly…"_

_We did not talk much after that as we proceeded to give each other the handjob of the century._

_With the side of my helmet resting along his neck and face, my free right hand found purchase, curling gloved fingers around his left shoulder strap. I increased my pace with my left hand, stroking him without shame, thinking… he has a great cock that I want to feel inside of me one of these days._

_He started to thrust his veiny flesh within my hold – fast skin-slapping strokes. I tightened my grip until he purred louder._

_Krieg was panting next to my ear and over my shoulder. He smacked his free hand to the top of his head where it stayed as if he could not believe what wonderful shit was happening. The grip he had on me slowed down to a gentle petting._

_"Come for me," I encouraged, letting him fuck my hand._

_"No!" the psycho roared._

_Oh? Maybe he didn't want to cum so fast. I loosened my grip but he yanked his cock out of my hand completely. Then he let go of my arousal also. It seemed Krieg had an entirely different idea when he wrapped me up in both of his arms fully, embracing me for a moment._

_We are nearly the same height, our bodies made delightful friction in all the right places, so this worked out rather well. I thought I knew where he was going with this, but I was very wrong._

_He held me strong and steady with his left arm around me, while his right hand took hold of both our cocks and began massaging them together in his massive hand._

_"Oh, s-shit," I stammered. My knees almost gave out. "That feels good...."_

_Krieg just laughed wickedly._

_There was no more playing around, he intended to get us both off. I glanced down between our bodies to watch mesmerized by the furious stroking, flesh kneading and throbbing together, electrifying sensations running up my spine and straight to the tips of my toes. His cock was so hot against mine it felt so amazing – painful and delicious all at once._

_I was panting now._

_He was panting, too._

_And, then, it happened. I could not hold back the shattering orgasm shooting its way out of me. My helmet was full of steam and hazy lust. This crazy double stroking was tearing me apart in a symphony of shivering explosions. My lips parted as whimpered sighs hitched in my throat and spilled from my headgear, while laces of hot fluid spurt out of me._

_I came and came and came…_

_Krieg came too, just moments after I did. His release brought a loud guttural roar and treated me to the feeling of his cock pulsing as he ejaculated like a fountain between us. The sight of him in total rapture made me feel victorious – over what exactly, I wasn't sure. It didn't matter. All I knew was that I could not wait to see him do that again very soon._

_As we revelled in our satiated glow, covered in a combination of our sticky cum, we caught our breaths and fixed our clothes._

_"Mmm, that was splendid…" I panted softly. "…a beautiful moment, I… / hope you enjoyed it."_

_"A BEAUTIFUL CATASTROPHE!" Krieg exclaimed._

_"Huh… close enough," I agreed. On second thought, I could not have said it better myself._

_"Errrmm…" The psycho sounded as if he was clearing his throat of gravel as he pointed at the base of my visor._

_"What is it?" I felt around with my bare left hand to find a gob of something nasty. "Was it you or was / it me? I bet it was you / Ugh, how disgusting."_

_Then, we laughed so hard my side began to hurt. We spent the rest of the night keeping watch together because Krieg told me, in so many words, that he hates sleeping. I wondered if there was anything, I could do to help._

_I thought about it for the rest of the evening…_

Yup. That night Krieg became the yin to his yang, Zer0 thought, returning to the moment at hand, and just in time to. Salvador brought the vehicle to a screeching halt just outside of the barricades blocking the entrance to the town of Overlook.

Everyone climbed out of the truck. Zer0 let the gang run up ahead while he hung back a bit. Krieg was a few paces ahead of him, buzzaxe propped over his right shoulder. He stopped and turned around to look for him.

The assassin caught up to the big guy, flashing him a bright red smiley face. They walked together up the main street edged by dilapidated buildings on either side, without a soul to be seen anywhere outside. The town was not deserted. Everyone was just hiding in their homes sick with the skull-shivers. A few of them gaped out their windows at the group of vault hunters headed for the Fast Travel in the middle of town.

"Thanks, Krieg, for telling / those horn dogs to stop being / such giant asshats," Zer0 quipped.

Krieg glanced over at Zer0. His dark penetrating left eye, shadowed by his air-filtering mask focused on him, then crested gleefully in response.

"The little man and I gutted your piñata!" He exclaimed in his growly voice.

"Oh? _Cool…?_ " This was a new one. Zer0 felt as if he should be flattered even though he was not quite sure who this little man was yet.

The psycho sighed and dropped his shoulders in defeat.

Clearly, Zer0 did not understand the significance. He was quick to reassure."Do not fret, my friend. / I will decode your riddle – / a worthy challenge." Maybe one day Krieg would be able to tell him, but for now, all he knew was that it was important to his favourite psycho and he was always prepared to listen to what he had to say. "Wanna kill stuff, later?"

"YESSSSS!!!

**:D**

Zer0 flashed Krieg his biggest smiley face. _"Sweet…!"_

**Author's Note:**

> I'm already well into the next installment in Krieg's POV this time XD! Man... what have I started *headdesk* HA! I think I will make this into a series - just a place to dump one-shots pertaining to Zer0 and Krieg when the muse strikes, instead of a doing an epic fic sorta thing. Let me know what you think or if you have any ideas about what you might like to see happen between these two! I'm always open for suggestions : )
> 
> Any typos or haiku mistakes are my own XD!  
> Krieg and Zer0 thank you for reading!


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